


Left and Leaving

by fieryphrazes



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Jealousy, M/M, Post-Canon, and some not-so-canon-typical Real Fighting, canon-typical bickering, with an extremely-not-canon-typical Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:28:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28808118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fieryphrazes/pseuds/fieryphrazes
Summary: After moving to California, Hawkeye gets roped into having his new coworkers over for a party. A very bold nurse causes BJ's jealousy to flare up, which leads to a revelation about just how deep Hawkeye's insecurities go.Or, as my beta put it, "BJ's irrational jealousy complex: surprise bitch i bet you thought you'd seen the last of me"
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Comments: 11
Kudos: 60





	Left and Leaving

**Author's Note:**

> The working title for this doc was "the boys are fighting!!!!" so that should give you a hint about what's to come... 
> 
> This is set in the Extended BJ Goes To Maine Universe, a few months after Hawkeye moves out to California to live with BJ.

Hawkeye didn’t want to have the surgical department over for a barbecue, but it didn’t seem like he had much choice. He was getting pressure from all sides – apparently it was some kind of Independence Day tradition, having the new guy host, provided he had a backyard. Hawkeye cursed BJ for insisting they find a place where Erin and Waggles could run around outside.

He’d tried to foist it off on someone else, someone more patriotic, but the nurses ganged up on him. When he broke the news to BJ, he seemed surprisingly receptive. Hawkeye sighed and started making a grocery list that was at least 75 percent alcohol.

The morning of the party, BJ pulled the grill out of the garage and Hawkeye spiked the punch. By the time people started showing up, BJ had the charcoal smoldering and Hawkeye was maybe half a sheet to the wind.

He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous – other than the fact that half the surgical staff was over to meet his live-in boyfriend without knowing that’s who they were meeting. They’d had plenty of practice keeping it under wraps, but here? In their own home? Some things are sacred, Hawkeye thought. He didn’t want to hide here.

BJ looked at him across the lawn, his forehead wrinkling slightly with worry. He looked pointedly down at Hawkeye’s drink, and Hawkeye considered BJ’s non-verbal point. Perhaps today was not the day to pull out all three sheets.

He introduced BJ to the head of surgery, the other doctors, the nurses. They were all charmed, of course – BJ was charming! He seemed to hit it off with Norman, a short, considerate guy who had plenty to say about BJ’s grilling technique.

Hawkeye flitted around the party, trying to keep up with six different conversations and make sure everyone was having a good time. It had been a long time since he’d thrown a party – he forgot how much work it was to keep everyone entertained, keep the drinks flowing, keep his real self safely tucked away underneath the showmanship. Nurse Cooper – Betsy, she kept correcting him – seemed to turn up wherever Hawkeye went, with some excuse to touch him on the arm or ask him a question about something she should already know. It drove him crazy, really – the way she played dumb, thinking that would appeal to him. Even if he were so inclined these days -- and he wasn’t -- that would have put him off. Still, everywhere he went, there she was.

Dr. Sheridan finally scared her away, monopolizing Hawkeye with talk about the lawn and the house and the move to California. Hawkeye could tell Sheridan liked him – the other surgeons were too deferential, practically bowing down because he was the chief of surgery. That had never been Hawkeye’s style, and he wasn’t about to start now. It seemed to work out, since Sheridan fancied himself a rebel in tortoiseshell glasses. Maybe he thought he saw parts of himself in Hawkeye, although Hawkeye couldn’t see it. Maybe if he pulled out the Groucho glasses, he thought idly.

Sheridan kept him occupied as BJ served up hot dogs and hamburgers from the grill. Hawkeye watched him across the lawn, distracted by the way BJ smiled at each person, looking at them with recognition, even though Hawkeye knew there was no way he remembered everyone’s names. That was the power of BJ’s smile, Hawkeye thought; it cut through any clouds swirling around in your head and just forced the sun to come out. He wondered if they could all feel it, the rays focusing in on them for a moment before BJ moved on to the next person. It almost made Hawkeye shiver, thinking about what it felt like when there was no one else, when BJ looked at only him, when that big grin filled him up with something light and bubbly that still caught him off guard. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to it.

After dinner Sheridan excused himself – the sign of a good leader, Hawkeye thought. He knows when to leave so the little people can really have some fun. Some of the family guys took off too, wives and kids in tow, when they found out Hawkeye hadn’t gotten any fireworks. He’d known it would be expected, but he just couldn’t bring himself to set off an explosive – no matter how small – in the backyard where he and BJ had taught Erin how to throw a baseball. It just felt wrong.

As the twilight faded BJ was surrounded by a flock of nurses, hanging on his every word. Only Cooper hung around the guys and Hawkeye, shooting the shit about work. A few had some war stories to chip in, but Hawkeye didn’t feel much like bragging about how many chests he’d cut open, when there had been so many he couldn’t sew back up with the heart still beating.

Cooper nudged him with a knowing look. He had no idea what it meant.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked in a low voice.

“Oh, I never say anything worth listening to,” he said, leaning on self-deprecation. She laughed.

“I wouldn’t say that, Hawk,” she said, doing her own leaning – towards him. He tried to back up subtly, but hit the folding table and had nowhere to go. He looked over at BJ instinctively, and found him looking back questioningly. Hawkeye brushed off the concern with a small smile, and turned his focus back to keeping Cooper at bay.

“How about another drink?” he said, not waiting for her to answer before he swept the glass out of her hand and headed for the kitchen.

When he got back, she’d vanished. Hawkeye shrugged and had the drink himself.

* * *

As things wound down, BJ went around the backyard collecting empty beer bottles, taking an armful at a time to the kitchen. Hawkeye stayed out in the yard, entertaining the few stragglers. As BJ came back out, Hawkeye caught his eyes and gestured to meet him inside. BJ went back in, leaning against the kitchen sink as he waited for Hawkeye to come in and explain. Hawkeye nearly tripped as he crossed the threshold, and BJ’s arms shot out to anchor him, just in case.

“Norman – I think you gotta take him home, Beej,” Hawkeye said apologetically. “I don’t think driving’s a good idea. He’s not far, though – just a couple miles.”

“And you’re in no condition to drive yourself,” BJ said with a long-suffering smile.

“Beej, did you know you’re brilliant? A keen observer of humanity and of Hawkeye?” Hawkeye asked, leaning into BJ’s grip on his upper arms, letting BJ partially support his weight.

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” BJ said, straightening up. “Let me get my keys.”

Hawkeye grasped at BJ, an automatic gesture of gratitude, catching his elbow and trailing his fingers lightly down his forearm. BJ looked at him with guarded interest.

“Your friends are still here,” he warned. Hawkeye shook his head.

“Not my friends,” he said. “My coworkers.”

“Even more reason to keep your hands to yourself for a little while longer.” BJ’s tone was straight, but he knew Hawkeye could tell he was teasing. That he could tell BJ would rather have the house to themselves and hide under the covers from the fireworks that were starting to boom in the distance.

“Fine, fine,” Hawkeye said with a put-upon sigh. “Just promise me you won’t ravage Norman on the way home – I know he’s almost irresistible.”

BJ laughed good-naturedly and brushed his hand across Hawkeye’s shoulders as he passed.

He walked down the dark hallway towards the bedroom and stepped inside, leaving the door half-open behind him. It gave him just enough light to rummage around on the dresser, looking for the keys he’d dropped there after taking Erin over to Peg’s – he’d just wrapped his fingers around them when he heard a voice.

“Close the door,” someone said. Someone very  _ feminine _ . BJ dropped the keys and scrambled to turn around. He got a glimpse of someone in the bed –  _ their bed _ – and clapped a hand over his eyes.

“Are you lost?” he said blindly.

“Oh – oh, I’m so – I’m so sorry!” she sounded mortified. “I thought – um, can you – give me a minute?”

BJ turned back around, hand still over his eyes, listening as the sheets slipped off whoever-she-was and clothes slipped back on.

“Okay, I’m decent,” she said. “Well – I’m still mortified, may never feel decent again, but – this is as close as it gets.” The poor kid sounded horrified, BJ thought.

“Can I ask – actually, no. I don’t think I want to know,” BJ corrected halfway through the thought.

“I thought it was Hawkeye’s room, and I – thought I’d surprise him? I don’t know, I’m so sorry, it was a stupid idea, I’ll just – I’ll go now.”

She slipped out the door as BJ still stood pressed against the dresser, heart beating wildly. It had been a long time since he’d had a shock like that. When his breathing started to even out, something occurred to him.

What had Hawkeye said or done, to make her think that would work?

BJ tried to hold it together as he walked back out to the kitchen. Hawkeye was waiting there with Norman, who was swaying in place. Definitely too far gone to drive, BJ noted. He started ushering him toward the front door, shooting an uneasy look at Hawkeye along the way.

“I’ll talk to you when I get back,” he said brusquely. 

Norman chatted happily on the drive, but BJ didn’t absorb any of it. Luckily Norman didn’t need much input; he just talked himself in circles as BJ nodded along and stared out the windshield. He thought about the nurse -- how sure someone would have to be, to pull a stunt like that -- and he remembered how Hawkeye used to be in the OR, trying to make dates before he’d even sewn up the kid on his table. Had he kept it up, even now that they were -- what they were? Now that they had admitted to themselves what they meant to each other? BJ couldn’t remember the last time he’d had doubts like this – real doubts – about Hawkeye. 

He helped Norman to the door and took care of the keys, then wished him well and headed back.

Hawkeye was sitting on the front porch waiting for him. BJ walked past him into the house.

“Not a front porch night, then,” Hawkeye said, following him inside. “Is something wrong, Beej?” BJ breathed heavily, turning to face Hawkeye.

“Why did I find a naked nurse in our bed?”

Hawkeye let out a honking laugh before clapping a hand over his wide-open mouth.

“What? When? Did you see anything worth seeing?” he asked suggestively, treating it like a joke.

“I’m serious, Hawk! This is serious!” he seethed. “Are you out there issuing engraved invitations?”

“Beej, you can’t be serious,” Hawkeye said. “I don’t even know who you’re talking about!”

BJ grimaced and made a dismissive gesture.

“Some blonde, I don’t know, I didn’t get a good look,” he said. “I was trying to avoid getting a good look!”

“Well Beej, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” Hawkeye said with a flamboyant shrug. It just made BJ madder.

“Hawk, pardon me, but I don’t think finding a woman in the bed we share is something to joke about. I don’t think it’s wrong of me to want some kind of explanation!”

“And I’m telling you I don’t have one! I mean, it was probably Cooper – yeah, she’s got a crush on me, I kind of figured that out. And sure, I flirt with her a little bit in the OR, but that’s just – that’s expected! If I don’t do that it’s suspicious!” Hawkeye was getting a little worked up, pacing the kitchen in tight circles. BJ stood still, his arms folded across his chest. Hawkeye looked at him and rolled his eyes.

“Oh, like I’m the only one who flirts a little to deflect any heat,” he said defensively.

“Hawkeye, what are you talking about?”

“How about every time we go to the Good Egg in the Castro, and that waitress has your order ready as soon as we walk in the door? Let me tell you, my eggs are never cooked right – she doesn’t even spare me a glance. She only has eyes for you, buddy – and you play right into it!” Hawkeye said, pointing a finger in BJ’s face. He batted it away with a huff.

“You cannot compare me smiling at a waitress when we go out for breakfast together,” BJ said, emphasizing the togetherness, “You just cannot compare that to what happened here – in our own home – in my own bed!”

“Oh, now it’s your bed,” Hawkeye said in a sing-song nasal tone. “Just a minute ago it was ours, am I getting kicked to the curb?”

“Hawk – Hawk, you can’t just flirt with anything that moves anymore, goddammit, there are consequences!”

Hawkeye fluttered his eyelashes at BJ.

“Don’t forget, Beej, you’re something that moves – should I stop flirting with you, too?”

BJ rubbed a hand over his forehead, smoothing one of the creases that formed there.

“Hawkeye, I’m serious,” he said, suddenly quiet. “If you don’t take this seriously – if you’re out looking for something else – I wish you’d just tell me that, so I can clear out of your way.”

Hawkeye stared at him.

“Have you finally lost your marbles, Beej?” he asked incredulously. “How can you say – do you really think that? After everything – you think that I – I would be the one to –” Hawkeye trailed off, tripping over his own outrage.

“Hang on, what do you mean, you would be the one to – the one to what?” BJ asked, raising his voice.

“I’m not the one who leaves, Beej,” Hawkeye said, really worked up now – more than BJ had seen him in months. “I don’t leave, I get left. So if you’re gonna do it, go ahead and get it over with!”

“I’m not – Christ, Hawk! You’re impossible!” BJ cried out, throwing up his hands and storming down the hall to the bedroom.

He slammed the door behind him, leaning back against it and breathing heavily. After a few moments, he felt the tension in him breaking down a little bit. As it loosened its grip, he sat heavily on the bed – his side, facing the window, back to the door.

He knew he was overreacting, knew it wasn’t really Hawkeye’s fault some nurse had got the wrong idea from his habitual flirting. Knew there was no way to expect she’d do something like that, show up here – intrude in the safest place they had together.

He was almost ready to go apologize when the door slowly opened. Hawkeye padded in and sat on his half of the bed, twisted around to face BJ’s back.

“Well I guess I should just tell you,” Hawkeye said in a voice that made BJ feel guilty. “I’m never going to get over you, not for the rest of my life.”

“Good,” BJ said snidely, turning to look at Hawkeye. His face was carefully blank – BJ couldn’t read anything there.

“So just know that, I guess – just know that I’m going to be miserable, probably forever.”

“What are you talking about?” BJ asked, obviously confused. 

“What do you mean, what am I talking about? I’m talking about you walking out on me over some over-eager nurse.”

“Walking out – Hawk, are you serious?” BJ stood up, outraged. “You think I’d just – do you think this doesn’t mean anything to me? That I could just walk away and go back to a regular old life after you?” Hawkeye didn’t say anything, which was the most damning thing he could have done. It made BJ even angrier.

“I’ve got bad news, Hawk – you’re stuck with me. And this is what that’s like,” he said, volume climbing as he worked himself into a frenzy. “We fight and we yell at each other and we do it over and over again. Because you drive me so crazy – “ BJ finally took a breath. He’d been pacing, hands gesturing wildly, as Hawkeye watched glumly from the edge of the bed.

“Because we love each other and that’s what you do, you fight and you make up and – goddammit! You are never getting rid of me!”

Hawkeye’s shoulders deflated as his head fell into his hands. He was shaking.

“Promise?” he asked quietly, hiding his face. BJ nodded, bringing his hands to Hawkeye’s, pulling them away so he could see him.

“Hawk, it’s just – it’s just a fight. We’re going to have so many of them,” he promised, his voice tender. “Trust me, you’ll hate it.”

Another deep breath from Hawkeye, who finally looked up at BJ.

“I don’t think I will,” he said.

* * *

They brushed their teeth side-by-side, crowding in front of the sink – Hawkeye’s elbow poking BJ in the side, and BJ fighting back by shoving him with a hip every so often. BJ spit out his toothpaste and looked in the mirror, making eye contact with Hawkeye.

“I mean it, Hawk,” BJ said, a soft warning in his voice. “You’ve got to be more careful. Someone might think you mean it.”

Hawkeye sighed as he brushed. He knew BJ was right – it was just muscle memory at this point. See a nurse, proposition her. He didn’t expect it to actually work.

“Fine,” he agreed, with a mouth full of toothpaste. BJ bumped into him one last time, then headed to the bedroom.

When Hawkeye joined him, BJ was stripping the bed. He stood and watched as BJ struggled to get the fitted sheet off.

“Don’t you think that’s overkill?” he asked, leaning against the doorframe. BJ spun around to mock-glare at him.

“You know you’re not in the clear yet, right? So you may want to help out,” he replied playfully. Hawkeye pushed himself off the wall and wandered toward the bed.

“I don’t know, Beej, might be kind of fun,” he said thoughtfully, wrapping his arms around BJ’s waist from behind. He pressed a kiss to the back of his neck, knowing BJ’s eyes were falling closed.

“What might be fun?” BJ asked, clearly already aware of Hawkeye’s thought process.

“Leave the sheets,” Hawkeye whispered into his ear, before giving BJ a small shove – he tumbled down onto the bed. “Just for a little while.” BJ rolled over to face Hawkeye and grinned. 

“I’ve never really had a chance to enjoy it, you know,” Hawkeye told BJ, looking down at him with a smirk. 

“Enjoy what?” he asked. 

“You -- being jealous.” 

“You’re a menace,” BJ said affectionately, reminding Hawkeye of something they both already knew.

“You love it,” Hawkeye replied, looking pleased. BJ laughed.

“Come here,” he said, and Hawkeye did.

* * *

“Hawk, come on, we gotta fix the sheets,” BJ mumbled later. Hawkeye just groaned and rolled over, facing away from BJ. BJ glared at the back of Hawkeye’s head and disentangled himself from a sheet corner that had come loose. He flung it back towards the edge of the mattress, giving up on exerting any more effort than that.

“Oh, fine,” he sighed, rolling towards Hawkeye and pulling him close. “We’ll change them in the morning.”

**Author's Note:**

> POOR Nurse Cooper... I feel guilty for doing this to her, because ultimately I have SO much respect for her shooting her shot like that. Iconic. 
> 
> It seems like every 3 days I beg [herrlichersonnigertag](https://herrlichersonnigertag.tumblr.com/) to beta read a new fic, and they do an incredible job every time -- thank you!!!
> 
> The title comes from Left & Leaving by the Weakerthans, a great song that is, unfortunately, much sadder than this fic: https://youtu.be/XrXsz17lFno


End file.
